Can we stop at healing? Do we have to change?

For many widows the there is a conundrum around healing. In the beginning phrases like "stop" "go back" summarise the experience perfectly. Survival mode is looking to fix what broke, to go back to what was, in every way, even if that was dysfunctional and not us at our best selves.

But change is thrust upon us and the loss of our partner, our spouse is just the beginning of what we face.

Do we just exist until we resemble the patterns of our old life, noting that this is "all we can hope for now".

Or, Do we dare to look in the mirror and take the opportunity to accept this window of time and experience and get help with building the skills we need to move forward.

Let's start with grief.

Grief is a bodily process for loss. Humans all go through it... Let me say that again in another way. All humans go through it.

It's natural to want to try to go back to the way it was. That is certainly a strategy that worked for getting back with a girlfriend, or broken marriage. That worked to avoid the emotions of loss and the need to change and learn from the mistakes. And let's face it, we are often uncomfortable with how persistent these emotions are and want to find ways to deal with it?

" If we are brave enough, often enough, we will fall"

Brene Brown

So what can you do.?

I highly recommend finding outlets that open expression, rather than numb your pain.

You can't go back in time.

But you probably have never been taught how to healthily recover from devastation on a personal level.

Healing a broken identity and a broken heart can be hard to separate, but they can be tackled in different ways. The grieving of the bond you had, will take years. I'd love you to relax into that. Allow yourself not to rush or feel rushed by that.

This is where books and podcasts and cups of tea with friends, can be therapeutic and nostalgic. Therapy like, tapping and breathwork, exercise like yoga or running will help to process out the emotional aspect or grief.

Rebuilding your identity, or picking up the pieces of your life that are still ok is a separate step and has lots of professional support around it. There is work to be done to get you back up to survival mode, and while it will feel safe to stop there, I urge you to keep going.

One doesn't happen before the other, and avoiding either doesn't make it "stop". Once I learned to allow them to happen side by side, it gave my mind confidence to heal and adjust.