Emotional Resilience : 5 tips to get the widowed family ready, for #backtowork

There can be so many thoughts and worries running around in our minds when we think about going back to work, or school, or even just life in general, when we are widows. Special attention is needed for the kids too, as they face their battles in the playground and with teachers, as well as their worries for how you are.

But how do you know if you are ready?

What sort of things "should" you be preparing for? I certainly didn't know what to expect and so I just turned up at the door and crossed my fingers that I wouldn't burst into tears in the first 15 minutes! I failed that miserably ! I sat in the car, down in my office park and cried for about 10 minutes, until one of my staff knocked on the widow and said " Are you ok?".

So I put together this list of things that really eased my emotional load, saved me and the team from awkward situations. Here are 5 of them.

Tip #1 - Like yourself enough to hold a conversation

Deep self acceptance might seem a big ask at the beginning, and you are right, however for the first few weeks or months of work and school, self compassion might feel a bit more achievable. I encourage you to write down a few traits about yourself that you recognise are "still" with you. Maybe it's your style, or jokes, or love of a particular Netflix show that you can connect with, maybe its the family grieving successes that you are proud of; or maybe it's that you reconnect with the identity you have at work, the café downstairs and it is a safe mask to wear.

Tip #2 - Welcome widowhood grief moments

Grief is completely natural, human process for loss. There are no short cuts. There are however, many strategies that we can use when a thought or experience brings up a wave of grief. Have a think about what has worked over the last few months. Many widows I help, held a small paperclip or used breathing techniques, or buzz word, to let their mind know this is not the time, but we'll unpack it after. Many coaches recommend saying Thank you to scramble the fear story that wants to be heard. But, you do need to go back to it, once you are safe. It will wait.

" Be the change you wish to see in the world" – Ghandi

Tip #3 - Hold space for yourself

Be ok with sitting on your own. Embrace the quiet time, the chance to centre yourself and just be. There may be moments when a sneaky "am I good enough", or "why don't they want to sit with me" comes. Have a giggle that it will be followed by thoughts like "Oh no please don't sit here I can't talk to anyone right now"... Cognitive Behavioural Therapy teaches more about letting thoughts pass by, or "reaching" for better thoughts.

Tip #4 - Accept "feedback"

This is a big one. Please remember colleagues likely haven't gone through what you have and as such will be a) unaware your brain can't (or won't) access fine details, be able to hold information in the short term memory, nor remember office politics. b) expecting that because you walked through the door, you are as capable now as before.

Chat to your boss about gradual return to work boundaries.

Tip #5 - Practise your household plan for back-to-work

In coaching there are many tools that I love to use that prepare us for the unknown. Many widows and their children experience anxiety because they don't feel they have to resources they need to handle the situation in front of them. Plan B, C and D are simply alternatives and I encourage you to do a run through of each. This will give the kids certainty that they are following instructions, that they won't upset you and that they are safe. You too! Most importantly, I personally found that it was me reassuring the kids that if plan A failed, I still loved them completely and we all had permission to make mistakes. Also expect to eat take aways many times!

Keeping your focus on you and the kids is being resilient

Widowhood strips our masks back and this can make it tricky to re-enter workplaces or school. Preparing ourselves brings space and kindness that our minds will appreciate. Resilience comes when we consistently show up for ourselves before others. If you love the idea of readying yourself, then jump on the website and book a strategy call, to find out more.