3 Reasons why Guilt comes up for Grievers...

If you’re a widowed mum holding everyone else together and guilt keeps smacking you sideways when you least expect it — this is for you.

Why is guilt so hard?

There is a point in most coaching calls, when we are unpacking some of the situation, it's calm and slow and space is being created... and then the words "then my mother-in-law said" blurt out. It's at this point that an avalanche of feelings, emotions , dialogue and story come rushing out , not about the person who passed, not about the love or lifestyle that is lost, not even about logistics, but guilt. They want you to feel guilty, they accuse you, you accuse them, you shrink into shame, you question everything that you have said or done, or not said , or not done. It's so common and so painful for all of us.

Let me establish a loose definition for guilt...

It might be that we 'made a promise' to ourselves to always do a thing, or be a certain way.

The Three Most Common Triggers for Widow Guilt

So Guilt for widows can come up around the actual death, where we consider what we did or didn't do in time, at the time, or to help/stop the situation. I notice it is more gut wrenching for people who had strong personal standards around the co-incidental way their person past.

Guilt also comes up as close friends and family begin to project their grief on to us, trying to make sense of the death. This is where I often hear the 'should and shouldn't haves' come out. This is the most emotional of the experiences because many times the existing underlying relationship between those people might add a few extra layers of story , weight , to the language being used.

Lastly guilt will come up a little further into grief as we process the duration of the marriage or relationship. What I mean here is we get triggered into or we consciously choose to unpack, holidays, fights, celebrations, parenting etc and will question our role in that interaction; a kind of "if I knew then what I know now, I might not have said..' scenario.

So How can we respond?

1. Guilt is asking you a question. It wants to know if this new situation requires that personal standard to be updated, kept or thrown out. I invite you to not feel you have to respond straight away.

2. If you are feeling guilty with another person, ask if you are guilty about your behaviour, in the event or about straining the relationship with that person. If you feel 'bad' that you have upset someone, step back from that people-pleasing space and come back to managing your grief. Let them express and manage their own space.

3. Guilt will likely be felt in your gut area. There is wonderful science now that explains our nervous system response of nausea or discomfort and that it can be managed with deep nasal breaths , and many other somatic techniques to let your self know you are safe, and this is just one moment, one emotion your body is processing as part of grief.

4. Lastly, in a quite moment after, I recommend journaling the topic that guilt shone a light on. writing them will allow another part of your mind to make sense of it, you will be able to see a pattern arise over a month or two and then you can come and get coached on what might be the underlying programming and how to address it

So next time you are faced with guilt, welcome it. It's there to help you make sense of things. Notice which internal standard it's asking about. Its presence means problem solving is underway. You have a choice to not bring shame and judgement in. You have a choice to recognise that standard has worked for you thus far and even worked for those who might be struggling with guilt too.

I support many widows with guilt processing because our western culture has negative connotations around guilt. Grief pays no regard to social etiquette, because it has a much more important job right now. Join my email list for weekly support.