PULLING THE CURTAINS ON GRIEF: A FRESH VIEW.

5 Key Pillars of Grief

In our journey of understanding and overcoming grief, I have identified five key pillars that we need to focus on: Thoughts, Feelings, Emotions, Nature, and Nurture. Let's delve into each of these pillars and see how they contribute to our understanding of grief and how we can navigate through it.

Pillar 1: Thoughts

You are not your thoughts, you have thoughts. Thousands of thoughts (signals) fly around in our mind every day. Doesn’t mean they are useful, relevant or sensical. When we are grieving, our ‘filters’ focus on the loss and ways to avoid the pain. Some thoughts will be part of what I call “the declutter”. It’s a bit like when you are moving house and you decide what stays or goes. Additionally, our thoughts will tend to follow the old pathways. For example, at 6pm, they used to walk through the door. Now, at 6pm you will remember to start the thought pattern, but it can’t finish. A new pattern/story might take a while to replace it.

Pillar 2: Feelings

Our bodies send us signals when something needs attention, such as eating lots of lollies and then feeling a sugar rush. Hot, warm, cold, tingly, tight and butterflies are all feelings that we commonly respond to. Feelings can be very uncomfortable. Reconnecting to the idea that these feelings are telling us something we need to know, rather than something to fear, will lighten the load while we are grieving, such as laughing, or crying.. For example, if a child says they feel sick in the tummy, it might not be hunger, but be anxiousness. Understanding the range of physical feelings can help grieving parents to problem solve, with young children, who worry about their body’s fate.

"What we resist persists" - C.Jung.

Pillar 3: Emotions

Over the last 100 or so years western culture has developed a poor relationship with emotions. So now during grieving, emotions you might not be familiar with, could show up. I’d love you to welcome them ~ They don’t tend to stay long. For both adults and children, grief is a wonderful opportunity to bring back resourceful language, to describe emotions. Tired could be disillusioned.

To help you when emotions overwhelm you, try this exercise:

1. 3x deep, slow breaths,

2. Name the emotion you have,

3. Ask it what it needs you to know,

4. Thank the voice don’t dismiss it.

Pillar 4: Nature

Our DNA has a map of how to process loss. We have to have made a connection in order to lose it. In fact, neurologically we have made thousands of connections with our special person, from how they like their tea to what they smell like. Breaking down these connections, releases energy and hormones (and much more). Awareness of this will help you understand the impact on your organs and overall health.

Some tips for you are:

• Keep your water and fluids up,

• Try to keep your nutrition in focus, even though everyone will bring cake to cheer you up!

• Let your GP know ASAP that you are going through grief so they can advise you professionally.

Time on its own can’t heal our wounds, our marvellous body does most of the heavy lifting.

Pillar 5: Nurture

It is widely understood that people need support when they lose a loved one. Learning how to do that supporting role however, is not readily taught, especially in western cultures. Many only have an ‘Urban family’ to lean on. It is a balance between the griever’s changing needs and the supporter’s capacity. A way to show this balance with kids in mind, is to use an emoji system, like Meh, OK, Sad, or ‘storm brewing’. Losing your spouse is ‘next level’ when it comes to grief. Being honest not polite, is vitally important.

Some tips include:

1. Normalise that everyone is both grieving and wanting to support; messy is ok.

2. Giving space is a great option for the whole family,

3. Outer circle family and friends can often be leant on, in the early days, to share the support load.

I trust this has brought awareness to the more foundational aspects of grief that you experience and more than that, aspects you can control. My sincerest condolences to you and your family, for this loss. I look forward to supporting you in the future.